


Les Memerables

by Ribes



Category: Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Asexual Enjolras, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, almost everyone is in love!!, also genderfluid jehan, asexual aromantic combeferre, but ended up becoming a place for all kinds of bullshit instead, drunk courfeyrac, edit: everyone is in love and everyone is a fucking dork about it, they don't really know english grammar, this chatroom was probably created to talk about social problems, totally textfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 16:18:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11421618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribes/pseuds/Ribes
Summary: [12:23] R: k im gonna jack off[12:24] 999: gross[12:25] apollo: gross[12:25] apollo: how do you even do that, thinking about exams?[12:25] R: I won’t be thinking about exams you moron[12:25] apollo: fuck you[12:26] R: yes im about to do that[12:27] apollo: WELL HAVE FUN I HAVE SPEECHES TO WRITE[12:28] kardashian: and again, it is clear Enjolras has missed the main point.





	Les Memerables

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how this all started? Me and a friend of mine thought to readapt a bunch of conversations from our friends' chat group into Amis style, just to laugh about it. But then I translated it into english. And I started actually writing canon stuff. And now this hybrid fanfiction jumped out from the void and begged me to get published. and how could I say no?  
> I had a lot of fun writing this so it probably doesn't even make sense lmao I hope you will enjoy your permanence!

  
  


Chatroom name: **Les Memerables**  
Created by: Cefcayrch, dated: 18/11/14

 

Members:  
**apollo** – Enjolras  
**R** – Grantaire  
**cefcayrch** – Courfeyrac  
**covfefe** – Combeferre  
**jollllyeux noel** – Joly  
**bouquet** – Bossuet  
**proujoint** – Jehan  
**fullywise** – Feuilly  
**kardashian** – Bahorel  
**pont-sexy** – Marius  
**cassette** – Cosette  
**999** – Eponine  
**chetta** – Musichetta  
 

_____________________

   
{21/05/17}  
   
[17:29] **bouquet** : NO GUYS PL E A SE

[17:29] **bouquet** : MY BUS JUST OPENED INSIDE MY UMBRELLA

[17:30] **covfefe** : Your bus. Inside your umbrella.

[17:30] **bouquet** : AND THEN I SHOUTED HELLO TO JOLY FROM HIS BACK

[17:30] **bouquet** : BUT IT _WASNT_ JOLY

[17:30] **bouquet** : UMBRELLA IN THE AUTOBUS. I NEED HELP.

[17:31] **proujoint** : ME TOO.

[17:32] **proujoint** : ok no now think about an umbrella with like a pocket bus or smth

[17:32] **bouquet** : Im literally dying omfg

[17:32] **proujoint** : yeah did I tell about that one time where I grabbed a woman hugging her from behind because I was _so_ sure she was my aunt.

[17:33] **proujoint** : … she wasnt my aunt.

[17:33] **cefcayrch** : jeHAN

[17:33] **proujoint** : I SMILED AND THEN RUN STRAIGHT AWAY FROM THE SHOP

[17:33] **proujoint** : not really that straight lmao

[17:33] **proujoint** : ANYWAY

[17:35] **pont-sexy** : guys my grandpa just shouted at me for like a hour because he doesn’t want me to go to amis meetings ):

[17:36] **kardashian** : your grandpa can stick his bullshit up into his asshole

[17:37] **apollo** : LANGUAGE.

[17:38] **apollo** : and, by the way, don’t let him stop you.  
 

__________________________

   
{25/05/17}  
   
[12:09] **kardashian** : I was thinking about changing my identity card name

[12:09] **kardashian** : into kim kardashian yknow

[12:09] **kardashian** : cuz im soooo hotter than her

[12:09] **pont-sexy** : bitch I’m pretty sure I’m the only one here who still calls you by your name

[12:09] **pont-sexy** : *BAHOREL

[12:09] **pont-sexy** : OH MY GOD I AM SO SO SO SORRY BAHOREL

[12:09] **pont-sexy** : AUTOCORRECT JUST FUCKED ME UP GOODBYE  
 

[ **pont-sexy** has left the chatroom “Les Memerables”]

[ **kardashian** has added **pont-sexy** into the chatroom “Les Memerables”]

   
[12:10] **kardashian** : come on, i think there are people here who say way worse words lmao

[12:11] **R** : spoiler: he’s actually a bitch

[12:11] **kardashian** : don’t let my girlfriend know.

[12.11] **R** : oh I would never reveal my secret filfs (;

[12:12] **kardashian** : glad we’re clear on this babe (;

[12:12] **pont-sexy** : wait what is filf

[12:13] **R** : it’s friend Id like to fuck

[12:13] **pont-sexy** : oh

[12:13] **apollo** : you two are disgusting.

[12:14] **kardashian** : what is this I smell in the air? jealousy?

[12:14] **kardashian** : don’t you worry big boss

[12:14] **kardashian** : tonight im on a date with my laughing mistress but we can give you lots of advices if you want to hang out by r and finally get some

[12:14] **apollo** : your message is heavily invalidating asexuals’ identity. you are assuming i am sexually interested in someone and/or interested in having sex meanwhile using ‘asexual’ as label to protect myself from potential refusals. you lack of understanding and assume your point of view is the only one possible.

[12:15] **kardashian** : does that mean you want to get some from Grantaire

[12:15] **apollo** : NOT THAT SOME

[12:16] **kardashian** : yeah what some then (;  
 

[ **apollo** has left the chatroom “Les Memerables”]

   
[12:17] **R** : thank you, bahorel, for destroying every inch of romantic life I’ll ever meet in my shallow and grey life.

[12:17] **kardashian** : he wants to get some

[12:17] **R** : I want to bury myself what do you think?

[12:18] **proujoint** : I think we all need to get high.

[12:18] **R** : at your place at 12.30?

[12:18] **proujoint** : you can count on it big r

[12:21] **pont-sexy** : I better go repeating futurism. you know. exams. stuff.

[12:23] **pont-sexy** : anybody here?

[12:27] **pont-sexy** : holy mary  
 

[ **pont-sexy** has added **apollo** in the chatroom “Les Memerables”]

   
[12:34] **apollo** : where is everyone?

[12:35] **pont-sexy** : getting high at jehan’s

[12:35] **apollo** : why am I not surprised.  
 

__________________________

   
{18/06/17}  
   
[23:53] **cefcayrch** : so I drank smth like 3 bottles of vodka and Im not rlly sure if Im able to stand on my feet for a long time

[23:53] **cefcayrch** : I mean I just

[23:53] **cefcayrch** : im a little unsteady k

[23:53] **fullywise** : yeah you’re probably drunk?

[23:54] **cefcayrch** : did I ever mention the fact tht I love u gays

[23:53] **fullywise** : well I’m straight but flattered nonetheless.

[23:53] **fullywise** : does it count that one time when bahorel tried to make out with me and it all ended up with me hitting him in the head because he thought I was his girlfriend?

[23:54] **kardashian** : gay

[23:54] **fullywise** : look around yourself.

[23:55] **cefcayrch** : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[23:55] **cefcayrch** : HELLO I AM BRIGHT AND SHINING AND GAY

[23:55] **covfefe** : Courfeyrac you’re bi

[23:56] **cefcayrch** : DONT TELL ME WHAT I AM FERRE

[23:56] **cefcayrch** DONT INVALIDATE SXUAL IDENTYTYES

[23:57] **fullywise** : who turned him into Enjolras

[23:57] **covfefe** : I really love drunk people. I love them.

[23:58] **pont-sexy** : courf pls be careful I love u

[23:58] **kardashian** : gay

[23:58] **fullywise** : I think Bahorel has frozen

[23:58] **cefcayrch** : d r u n k

[23:58] **cefcayrch** : dru n k an d g a y

[23:58] **cefcayrch** : homoerotic porn

[23:59] **covfefe** : I don’t understand.

[23:59] **pont-sexy** : I think he wants to have sex with me?

[23:59] **pont-sexy** : he has thrown himself on the bed and now he’s looking at me

[23:59] **pont-sexy** : I’m scared

[00:00] **covfefe** : Are you drunk too?

[00:00] **pont-sexy** : maybe I’ve drank a little too much

[00:00] **kardashian** : oh my GOD why wont my friends FUCK and get OVER it

[00:00] **kardashian** : do you need INSTRUCTIONS?

[00:06] **covfefe** : Okay Marius give us a recording and tell us you are both okay, enjoying your time together in whatever safe way you prefer, and not getting wasted with LSD  
 

[ **cefcayrch** has sent an audio recording to the chatroom “Les Memerables”]

   
[00:13] **kardashian** : you are not drunk, sweetie. you are what comes _after_ drunk

[00:15] **cefcayrch** : oh my god I refuse to believe I am _so_ bad in drinking alcohol

[00:15] **cefcayrch** : I dont understand why I come so badly

[00:15] **kardashian** : maybe u need marius to help u

[00:16] **pont-sexy** : what

[00:16] **pont-sexy** : .

[00:17] **fullywise** : someone please remove bahorel from this group he scares the children

[00:17] **cefcayrch** : marius help me (;

[00:17] **pont-sexy** : can’t you just, like, come and ask me? We’re two feet away from each other

[00:17] **cefcayrch** : I cant come if you dont help me

[00:18] **cefcayrch** : HE HIT ME

[00:18] **cefcayrch** : HE TURNED TO ME N HIT ME WITH HIS PHONE

[00:18] **pont-sexy** : THIS IS NOT HOW YOU FLIRT WITH PEOPLE COURFEYRAC

[00:20] **covfefe** : Do you still have alcohol there?

[00:21] **pont-sexy** : nope we left it in courfs car now we only got like 2 cola cans

[00:21] **covfefe** : But you _are_ okay? No wounds? No drugs? No unsafe sex positions?

[00:21] **pont-sexy** : why me

[00:22] **cefcayrch** : YES MUM WERE SAFE AND WER NOT FUKING

[01:47] **cefcayrch** : yet.  
   
[09:12] **cefcayrch** : …

 

[09:12] **cefcayrch** : I’m scared.

[09:12] **cefcayrch** : also my head hurts like shit.

[09:14] **covfefe** : Hello from the sober side.  
 

__________________________

   
{22/06/17}  
   
[12:11] **cefcayrch** : THAT FILTHY WHORE WE COMMONLY CALL COMBEFERRE JUST PASSED ALL OF HIS EXAMS

[12:12] **kardashian** : weird, I would’ve never guessed

[12:12] **kardashian** : guys it’s kinda sad to deal with all of you being fucking geniuses

[12:12] **kardashian** : I hate, in fact, every one in this chatgroup

[12:13] **apollo** : as you well know, I am totally against any manifestation of violence. Still, I AM KILLING HIM.

[12:13] **jollllyeux noel** : omg I definitely hate ferre

[12:14] **bouquet** : … and he doesnt even mention it to me

[12:14] **bouquet** : asshole

[12:14] **apollo** : I propose we all fund a club against Combeferre

[12:14] **R** : I’m in

[12:15] **jollllyeux noel** : @covfefe come into this chatroom and face our hatred, you coward

[12:16] **R** : lmao im getting my results in an hour

[12:16] **R** : Ive probably failed every single one of them

[12:16] **R** : watch me becoming the beggar under the bridge who tries to rape your children and then steal their clothes

[12:16] **R** : will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful, Enjolras?

[12:16] **R** : will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul?

[12:17] **apollo** : you and beautiful are two fairly opposite concepts.

[12:17] **R** : rude

[12:17] **kardashian** : do u guys know about pinocchio? watch out for enjolras’ nose

[12:17] **apollo** : also do not joke about rape.

[12:18] **jollllyeux noel** : grantaire it’s bossuet from joly’s phone. If I hear you talking about failure one more time, I’m going to come where you are and smash your head with Chetta’s plant vase

[12:19] **999** : I better shut up or I’m going to make Satan blush

[12:19] **proujoint** : I thought that was Parnasse’s ability actually?

[12:20] **999** : ftw jehan the world does not rotate around your boyfriend

[12:20] **999** : neither it does around grantaire’s self-appreciation problems

[12:20] **999** : or around climate change, children starvation, lgbtq intolerance

[12:21] **999** : we’re all going to die anyway.

[12:22] **R** : I sang Young and Beautiful and summoned lana del rey in the process

[12:22] **cassette** : no but ‘ponine and boss are right. Stop thinking about the negative outcomes and do something you like while waiting for the results to come out!

[12:22] **cassette** : go have a drink with courf, smoke a little, paint something, think about happy things!

[12:23] **R** : k im gonna jack off

[12:24] **999** : gross

[12:25] **apollo** : gross

[12:25] **apollo** : how do you even _do_ that, thinking about exams?

[12:25] **R** : I won’t be thinking about exams you _moron_

[12:25] **apollo** : fuck you

[12:26] **R** : yes im about to do that

[12:27] **apollo** : WELL HAVE FUN I HAVE SPEECHES TO WRITE

[12:28] **kardashian** : and again, it is clear Enjolras has missed the main point.

[12:28] **cassette** : yeah it’s fine grantaire!! do what keeps you relaxed!! You studied, you worked hard, you don’t have to worry!

[12:30] **pont-sexy** : in the meanwhile, the hot is literally killing me.

[12:31] **pont-sexy** : does somebody here care?

[12:33] **pont-sexy** : of course not.

[12:35] **R** : Courfeyrac said aloud he cares

[12:35] **R** : now you’re all cancelling this message or he will have me dead

[12:47] **chetta** : SORRY IM LATE I WAS DOING THINGS

[12:47] **bouquet** : ((me and joly are things. happy things, as cosette said))

[12:47] **chetta** : GRANTAIRE IF I FIND OUT YOU’VE BEEN GOOD AT THESE EXAMS I WILL NOT EVEN _SPEAK_ TO YOU IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS

[13:01] **cefcayrch** : …

[13:01] **cefcayrch** : he passed them.

[13:01] **cefcayrch** : all of them.

[13:01] **cefcayrch** : am I allowed to punch him?

[13:02] **R** : … okay, you can punch me

[13:03] **apollo** : ARE YOU KIDDING ME OH MY GOD

[13:04] **999** : always soft not to make my dear friend Lucifer blush – grantaire, you are outrageous.

[13:04] **999** : expect me at your apartment this evening to KICK YOUR ASS

[13:05] **R** : holy shit

   
→ private chat between contacts R and apollo

[13:05] **R** : apollo ur hosting me at your place tonight right

[13:05] **apollo** : no.

[13:06] **R** : oh come on

[13:06] **R** : Im sleeping on the couch

[13:06] **R** : and Im bringing waffles

[13:06] **R** : and… Im letting you use my Netflix account

[13:06] **apollo** : …

[13:06] **apollo** : we’re watching dear white people.

[13:07] **R** : deal

[13:07] **apollo** : okay. see you by 7.30 pm? You better run away before the evil witch manages to find you

[13:08] **R** : YES ILL BE THERE

[13:08] **R** : THANK YOU APOLLO I LOVE YOU

[13:10] **apollo** : yeah whatever

   
→ “Les Memerables” chatroom

[13:10] **apollo** : can someone name me admin a second? I need to do a thing.  
 

[ **cefcayrch** has named **apollo** admin of the chatroom “Les Memerables”]  
[ **apollo** has removed **R** from the chatroom “Les Memerables”]  
[“Les Memerables” chatroom has been renamed by **apollo** into “Les Amis de l’ABC”]

   
[13:11] **apollo** : justice has been served.

[13:11] **apollo** : if he writes to any of you, just ignore him

[13:11] **apollo** : I’ll add him back in a few hours

[13:12] **jollllyeux noel** : wow you’ve been evil I like this

[13:12] **cefcayrch** : hes screaming

[13:13] **cefcayrch** : I think he just called you “the magnificent son of the Devil himself, camouflaged as an angel to corrupt my once pure soul”

[13:13] **cefcayrch** : and by the way, I 100% approve.

[13:13] **cefcayrch** : I now have by my side two horrible people. Ferre and R, say hello

[13:14] **cefcayrch** : they told me to go fuck myself.  
 

_______________________________________

   
{25/06/17}  
   
[17:11] **bouquet** : SO GUYS I HAVE EXTRAORDINARY NEWS

[17:11] **bouquet** : I JUST MADE A CHOCOLATE MUGCAKE AND SOME FISH MARMELADE

[17:11] **bouquet** : AND THEY WERE _DELICIOUS_

[17:11] **bouquet** : I am now definitely adult, I have come to maturity at last

[17:12] **cefcayrch** : omg I am so proud of you bb

[17:13] **R** : what tHE FUCK IS FISH MARMELADE

[17:14] **bouquet** : oh my god

[17:14] **bouquet** : sorry LMAO I meant *peach marmalade autocorrect has horrible food taste

[17:14] **R** : I was really about to throw up

[17:14] **R** : please never invite me for dinner

[17:15] **chetta** : he was probably thinking about joly’s fish (;

[17:15] **bouquet** : shit u caught me

[17:15] **chetta** : honestly same

[17:16] **jollllyeux** noel: anytime babes (;

[17:17] **R** : GET A ROOM  
 

________________________

   
{02/07/17}  
   
[21:01] **cassette** : okay guys really important question

[21:01] **cassette** : I mean it’s life-saving

[21:01] **cassette** : who is straight in this chatroom apart from Feuilly and Musichetta?

[21:03] **cefcayrch** : chetta I am deeply disappointed in you

[21:03] **apollo** : marius I guess?

[21:03] **999** : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[21:04] **kardashian** : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[21:04] **R** : I CANT BREATHE

[21:05] **pont-sexy** : what’s so funny in thinking I could be heterosexual

[21:05] **cefcayrch** : wtf Enjolras are you high me and marius are practically married

[21:06] **apollo** : … you haven’t even kissed

[21:06] **pont-sexy** : well

[21:06] **pont-sexy** : um

[21:06] **pont-sexy** : actually

[21:06] **apollo** : ??????????

[21:07] **pont-sexy** : yea by the way

[21:07] **pont-sexy** : it can be said that I am NOT totally sure about my heterosexuality

[21:07] **pont-sexy** : which is, for the moment, but without boundaries, and without plans, a little bit preponderant, without assuming it’ll stay this way for, um, some time  
 

→ private chat between contacts cefcayrch and pont-sexy

[21:08] **cefcayrch** : your not straight

[21:08] **cefcayrch** : right

[21:09] **pont-sexy** : no

[21:09] **cefcayrch** : okay perfect I was just checking

   
→ “Les Amis de l’ABC” chatroom

[21:08] **kardashian** : ill be kind and interrupt this awkward and untruthful bubbling to say that in this bunch of indecent gays I am actually a heterosexual person

[21:09] **fullywise** : wait so there’s 3 of us

[21:09] **kardashian** : what about ferre?

[21:10] **apollo** : aromantic does not equal straight you ignorant

[21:10] **kardashian** : woah okay

[21:10] **kardashian** : we won’t invite him to our exclusive Straight Parties I guess

[21:11] **chetta** : this means more alcohol for us! :D

[21:11] **kardashian** : yeah but chetta ur still polyamorous, hispanic and woman

[21:12] **kardashian** : no straight white male privileges for you

[21:12] **kardashian** : and feuilly is straightedge WHO AM I GOING TO PARTY WITH

[21:13] **chetta** : your girlfriend?

[21:13] **kardashian** : good point

[21:15] **R** : anyway in my life ive always had better chances with boys than with girls

[21:15] **R** : which says a lot about how the world works

[21:16] **R** : once I had a girlfriend. she broke up with me by message saying “it’s not you it’s me” or some bullshit like that

[21:16] **R** : always went for dicks since

[21:17] **jollllyeux noel** : im so so sorry R ):

[21:17] **R** : nah she was a pain in the ass

[21:18] **bouquet** : I’ve known her and I can’t argue with that

[21:19] **999** : don’t worry Grantaire before me and cosette got together I had a shit load of horrible boyfriends. pathological cases. they literally never stopped oh my god

[21:19] **999** : and then once I got a crush for a straight girl and “ruined our friendship”.

[21:20] **cassette** : and then you met your soulmate

[21:20] **999** : and I’m sooooooooo grateful to her for being here right now.

[21:21] **apollo** : why is everyone in this chatroom in a relationship

[21:21] **R** : because marius, courf, feuilly, ferre and me literally don’t exist right

[21:21] **apollo** : well _you_ hook up with strangers every time we go out! It’s not like you’re really interested in relationships right?

[21:22] **R** : excuse me if I find my happiness elsewhere

[21:22] **R** : do you have any problems with that?

[21:23] **apollo** : absolutely not

[21:23]  **apollo** : you’re perfectly free to sleep with whomever you want. It’s not my place to decide.

[21:23] **R** : okay.

[21:23] **R** : glad we’ve sorted that out.

[21:34] **fullywise** : … by the way

[21:34] **fullywise** : I was thinking that I am dying while watching the new episode from Doctor Who

[21:35] **fullywise** : and Chetta is going to watch it soon and she will join me in the afterlife

[21:35] **fullywise** : so it’ll remain only one straight person alive

[21:35] **cassette** : Doctor Who, rubbing straight people out since 2005

[21:36] **fullywise** : trust me. not only straight people.

[21:27] **bouquet** : THIS WAS A FUCKING SPOILER

[21:28] **chetta** : ????????????

[21:28] **bouquet** : chetta, love, don’t listen to him just watch the episode okay

[21:28] **chetta** : whaT THE FUCK LAIGLE I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU

[21:29] **bouquet** : holy hell I hope I am joly’s favourite so he will defend me

[21:29] **jollllyeux noel** : I CANNOT CHOOSE I will kill myself first

[21:30] **chetta** : THEN WE SHALL ALL DIE IN BLOOD

[21:30] **cassette** : (she’s on her period)

[21:32] **jollllyeux noel** : okay I have one last question that’s been puzzling me by the way

[21:32] **jollllyeux noel** : how does jehan identify

[21:32] **jollllyeux noel** : I mean they’re not straight… ? so what

[21:33] **kardashian** : jehan is… jehan

[21:33] **999** : im sorry but how can you even _think_ about jehan being straight

[21:34] **kardashian** : how can you think about jehan being _something_ in general

[21:34] **fullywise** : there’s only one thing that jehan is and that thing is jehan

[21:34] **999** : jehan is not even human

[21:35] **bouquet** : I think jehan is montparnassesexual

[21:35] **bouquet** : that’s literally the only thing that makes sense

[21:36] **999** : well obviously bitch

[21:36] **999** : and montparnasse is jehansexual

[21:36] **kardashian** : now everything is clear!

[21:48] **proujoint** : parnasse says he loves all you pieces of shit ♥


End file.
